Hi smart readers!
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Lately I have been thinking about a topic I’d love to get your takes on (you gays in particular, but also you straights)!
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So, weddings: they keep happening. And for awhile, it was like, palpable that straight allies we’re, in political theory, “down” with supporting gay marriage, and yet would keep entering in to the discriminatory institution as it stands, because the concept of marriage equality didn’t so much seem like a viable reality. But things have changed! We are now in a place where marriage equality exists in some states, is banned in others, was stripped from others, and is recognized in a few more.
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In other words, we now exist in a vastly murky legal terrain. But the senselessness and harm of the institution remaining discriminatory has only gotten more clear. Today the institute of marriage stands clearly as a legally enforced system of apartheid. (And I mean that in the purest sense of apartheid - a term which means “A policy or practice of separating or segregating groups.”)
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So, it’s gotten more personal to a lot of folks on a whole lot of levels.
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What are the gays to do when their straight ally friends get married and invite them to join in celebration of their accessing a legal institution they believe to be discriminatory? As someone recently put it to me: it is a bit like how, sure, racial segregation existed for a long time. And a lot of folks started to think it was wrong. And then some places became integrated, and a lot of white folks supported that and refused to eat at Whites Only establishments.
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But then, some folks were raised to believe that it was an important thing in their personal life and status to gain acceptance to the local country club. And, yes, that country club was slower to integrate than more public venues. But, you know, some folks were raised to believe that access to such an institution was an important thing for them to gain. And, although now we live in a time where someone who is a member of such a club (and they remain out there, in fewer numbers!), well that’s not so much a good pr move!
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So the argument presented to me is that marriage is now at a place where your straight friends are often like: I really think you should be allowed into my country club! And I will vote for that when possible. And I’m really sorry you can’t come in. But, you understand, it is really important for me to exercise this privilege I have access to.
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But then, not only that. They kind of want you to hang out in the parking lot while they go in for a round of golf and then cheer happily for them when they walk out. And also throw down some funds to buy a toaster or something in celebration.
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And, well, aren’t we at a point where it’s just gotten too clear that accessing a discriminatory institution is a flaunting of social privilege, particularly if one wishes LGBT folks also had that privilege , and no matter how much they were raised wanting entry into the country club, they should choose not to enter in, knowing their friends would be blocked at the door and thrown out? Let alone expecting this access to be celebrated by those not included?
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But then, what is it like to really be That Gay? You know, the one who believes such things and refuses to go to weddings of their straight friends. What are both the personal and political implications of such an act? And, really, have we had this conversation enough to expect straight allies to be thinking through this situation in a way that reflects the present and shifting social and political realities?
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I’m just thinking outloud here folks. So any of you with good thoughts on the matter, I would love to hear what you think. Any opinions?
